The sense of humor of the tourist guides is a sign of their love for the job. The laughter and love simply cascade. In effect, it would be easy for the visitors to remember and to love the place these funny guys are showcasing. And given the happy nature of Filipinos, the anecdotes and punchlines will surely be classics.

I’ve compiled a list of the most memorable lines and antics I heard from the funny Filipino tourist guides.

1. Worth Dying For

In the busy world of bees, we already knew that men work for the queen. But my male tour guide in Bohol Bee Farm, who speaks English throughout the tour, has a different perspective on girls being on top.

He said, “After the intercourse of the queen bee and a male worker, the male bee will die naturally… but smiling!”

2. Blind

At the Bohol Simply Butterfly Conservation,

Guest: Totoo bang nakakabulag ang butterfly kapag hinawakan tapos pinahid sa mata?
Guide: Ah. Hindi po totoo yun. Chismis lang yun. Isa lang naman po ang nakakabulag. Pag-ibig.

3. Caterpie

Bohol Simply Butterfly Conservation allows the visitors to touch the caterpillars but our guide warned us, “Ingat po dahil pag nahulog po siya, hindi na siya caterpillar…”

And I thought he was going to crack a Pokemon evolution joke but

“… magiging caterpilay na.”

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4. Ugly Caterpillar

“Alam nyo ba na kapag mas pangit ang caterpillar nung bata, mas maganda ang butterfly pag laki”. Then he pointed one of the visitors and said “Tignan nyo si Sir. Magandang lalaki nung bata pero ano na nangyari sa kanyang paglaki?”

5. Hello World

Our tour guide in Puerto Princesa Underground River was manuevering the boat to the inner subterranean. He greeted the outgoing boat from the other side: “Hello!”
That group responded: “Hi!”
Tour guide: “Ako. Budoy.”

And the cave was filled with laughter.

6. Nganga

Because his antics kept us entertained while the rock formations amazed us, we are warned

“Wag po masyadong bubuka ang bibig. Tingin po kayo sa itaas”

Then he showed us the bats hanging above. I literally shut my mouth down to avoid any guano.

7. Another Batcave

Another bat story is from the tour guide in Hinagdanganan Cave. Someone asked him if there are bats inside.
“Kaunti lang po yung paniki dito. May family planning po sila. Pro-RH”

Yes, it was during the hype of the bill.

8. Organic

Our Batanes tour guide narrated a legend how Susong Dalaga, a hill with the shape of lady’s breast, was formed.

Hours and kilometers later, he asked us to go to a church in a village. I thought he was going to show a ritual or something solemn. But instead he showed a prominent rock formation. It resembles an outstanding male organ.

He then connected the two characters. They were boyfriend and girlfriend once upon a time.
“Kaya ko kayo pinagdasal eh dahil makasalanan itong lugar na ito.”

That was so legen-wait-for-it-dary.

9. Batanes Film

Our tour guide revealed that he was casted and appeared in the Batanes film. On his review about the movie, he simply said

“Kapag pinanood nyo yung movie, tignan nyo na lang. Kahit walang volume.”

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10. Damaso

Every time Carlos Celdran mentions Catholic, friars and Church, he smirked.

11. No gurl

Carlos Celdran is theatrical in narrating the Philippine history. But there’s a memorable spiel of his that I won’t forget. If you trace the family tree of a Filipino with Spanish blood, most likely the Pinoy got it from the side of his great grandfather than grandmother’s because there were few pure mestizas who would like to go to the Philippines in a ship.

“No gurl, I don’t think you may want to go on an all-male galleon.”

12. Best Photographer

The tricycle driver I hired to be my guide was too persistent to have me taking pictures of every spot in Cagayan. We stopped at nearly every church, school and overlooking spots. We halted for overloaded jeepneys. For him, to be the number one photographer in Manila, I should have the most number of photos.

13. Candlelight Dinner

During our whitewater rafting activity, we noticed the inhabitants near the river. Our captain told us since these houses don’t have electricity, they come up with their own version of candlelight dinner.

“Patayin mo na kandila. Kakainin na kita”

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14. Cow Na!

Our captain pointed an underweight cow. According to him, it is the smartest among the herd. That cow starves itself. So it can be saved from being canned as corned beef.

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15. #MedyoBaboy

During Masskara Festival in Bacolod, we caught Roger, who became a YouTube sensation because of his spiels that earned him airtime in Gandang Gabi Vice. He shared a trivia how mansion of the Ruins was built. According to him, the finishing of house remains smooth despite the age because of egg whites.

“Buti na lang hindi itlog ko ang ginamit ko. Kundi ang gaspang nyan.”